Coming around the mountain

'She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes', says the childhood song that comes to mind as today marks a major milestone in my cirucutious journey. And, I think it's true. I didn't so much climb the mountain and reach a pinnacle. I've come around it. It wasn't a journey straight up on strong, …

One in a Million

I'm working on my unemployment office online profile. You know, the one where I have nothing to put in for the last eight years. How will that measure up against the other 2,264,293 applicants? That is Germany-wide, of course. Still, when we narrow down those 1,726,605 jobs to ones that are in my area, aren't …

Limbo Level 3: A very long Update

The days are crowding together in my memory. As usual, nothing was happening until it all happened at once. Now, it's as if the last year and a half is a hazy memory produced by fitful sleep. I can hardly piece it all together. Part of the reason my posts fell away is that in …

Immobile

I sometimes wake up unable to move my arm. Usually, the right one, but sometimes both. I am immobile for a few minutes before lifting them to pull the rest of my aching body into a sitting position. Sometimes, the left arm is used to lift the right one off the bed. My floor is …

Hoarse

I'm hoarse today from yelling at Charles. I almost lost my voice in fury and desperation to make him understand the same things I've been saying for almost a year now. I don't love him. I don't want to be a couple. I don't want to ever live with him again. A few hours later …

Good Grief!

I've always said I have never lost anyone close to me. My mother died and I can still say the same thing. She died two weeks ago, today. My sister sent me a text: Mama died. She tried to call. I was grocery shopping so got the info just like that: two short words, devoid …

Buttercups and Dandelions

I've been feeling a lot like a weed lately: unwanted, useless, unorganized. I feel trampled on by feet of uncaring or unseeing travelers as they detour through my life on  their way to smell the roses somewhere else.  I feel the struggle of breaking through concrete barriers to get my freedom, to breath fresh air. …

The Weight of It All

Because I try to keep these posts positive (for my own sake), it may appear that I am doing better than I am sometimes. Or, that I am in a deep pit of denial. No. I feel it, the weight of it all and it's sometimes too heavy to bear.  To be honest, I don't …

That’s What Friends Are For

I used to think that everyone  had that kind of friend you could completely fall apart around...be your worst, like scary crazy in pain...and they would hold you up because you are that loved and that important to someone. Of course, it would go both ways, That's what friends are for. I used to think …

Five Things

Where do I begin? My head is as cluttered as this temporary apartment. I walk around in a bit of fog when Ella isn't with me. At least when she is around I can focus on her, moving target that she is. Feed her, clothe her, spend time with her---those are the tasks to be …