‘She’ll be coming around the mountain when she comes’, says the childhood song that comes to mind as today marks a major milestone in my cirucutious journey. And, I think it’s true. I didn’t so much climb the mountain and reach a pinnacle. I’ve come around it. It wasn’t a journey straight up on strong, muscular legs. It was long, unsure–twisting and turning. I don’t feel I am at a peak overlooking my past, proud of all I’ve done, even though I have been told twice today that I should be proud. I do, however, see the the mountain behine me. The road ahead won’t be easy, but it feels wide open and waiting for me.
It’s been almost four years since my last post. That one was published on the 11th anniversary of my arrival in Germany. The task before me of finding independence seemed insurmountable. I was registering at the welfare/unemployment office and was overwhelmed by the odds and retreated once again into the belief that I was stuck and would forever be dependent on Charles.
Tonight, I begin to share some of what these past years have been like and how I got to where I am now: free.
I’m sitting in an apartment he paid for surrounded by dissarray and moving boxes. Sometime in the next couple of weeks, Ella and I will take all of our things and move just 4 kilometers away to a home no one will take away from us or tell us we have to leave. The apartment is in my name. Ella officially lives with me. I am her ‘point of life’. She is the point of mine.
It has been a very hard almost four years. This move will be our fourth in the last six years–and my last ever because of Charles. I started this blog as both a creative outlet and a way to show women who choose to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic that they are not alone. I wanted to show women who have no choice but to stay that there are ways to grow even in the darkness. And, for some women, that might be what is right for them.
In the end, it isn’t what is right or best for me or Ella. I was doing my best at the time, but what is the best choice for us is to have him removed from my life as much as is possible when sharing a child. We are divorced. My world has expanded even if my apartment will be much smaller. I will have less and feel more. Ella will have a happy and healthy mother.
So, this started to encourage those who chose to stay. It now is reborn to show those who thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel to keep following the tracks until there is light. Just because you don’t see the light, doesn’t mean it’s not there down the line. Who you are and what options you have may look very different four years later. If you choose to stay as a true choice, there is no shame. But, if you are choosing because you think you aren’t able to do better, do not deserve better, or have no options, I encourage you to not give up. Not now doesn’t mean not ever.
If you can’t climb a mountain, go around it.
Leah in Limbo 