I'm working on my unemployment office online profile. You know, the one where I have nothing to put in for the last eight years. How will that measure up against the other 2,264,293 applicants? That is Germany-wide, of course. Still, when we narrow down those 1,726,605 jobs to ones that are in my area, aren't … Continue reading One in a Million
The days are crowding together in my memory. As usual, nothing was happening until it all happened at once. Now, it's as if the last year and a half is a hazy memory produced by fitful sleep. I can hardly piece it all together. Part of the reason my posts fell away is that in … Continue reading Limbo Level 3: A very long Update
I sometimes wake up unable to move my arm. Usually, the right one, but sometimes both. I am immobile for a few minutes before lifting them to pull the rest of my aching body into a sitting position. Sometimes, the left arm is used to lift the right one off the bed. My floor is … Continue reading Immobile
I'm hoarse today from yelling at Charles. I almost lost my voice in fury and desperation to make him understand the same things I've been saying for almost a year now. I don't love him. I don't want to be a couple. I don't want to ever live with him again. A few hours later … Continue reading Hoarse
I've always said I have never lost anyone close to me. My mother died and I can still say the same thing. She died two weeks ago, today. My sister sent me a text: Mama died. She tried to call. I was grocery shopping so got the info just like that: two short words, devoid … Continue reading Good Grief!
I've been feeling a lot like a weed lately: unwanted, useless, unorganized. I feel trampled on by feet of uncaring or unseeing travelers as they detour through my life on their way to smell the roses somewhere else. I feel the struggle of breaking through concrete barriers to get my freedom, to breath fresh air. … Continue reading Buttercups and Dandelions
Because I try to keep these posts positive (for my own sake), it may appear that I am doing better than I am sometimes. Or, that I am in a deep pit of denial. No. I feel it, the weight of it all and it's sometimes too heavy to bear. To be honest, I don't … Continue reading The Weight of It All